It is the end of the semester and I have spent the past two days in
bed watching terrible movies, tv shows on netflix. In fact, I chose bad
movies on purpose because anything that I got too involved in seemed
like I am stressing, expending energy rather than zoning out completely.
It as tho my brain has been triggered to hit the off button. I am also
getting over being sick, I feel my body was on overdrive these past
weeks....
take that back, i feel i have been on overdrive these
past few months. Since August life has been crazy, adjusting to fort
collins, the people, working in groups, trying to improve myself, work,
school, etc has been a ton to handle. Honestly i feel i have handled it
well, besides those moments in which i find myself in small talk mode or
complaining about something dumb. I realized that i did not lose my
cool to my stress but in another way I became someone sometimes i did
not like. I wonder if i recognize this after spending so much time in
paraguay being someone else, chiller, and more peaceful than i am now. I
never complained much then, and now when a few words escape my mouth
about not liking fort collins, i want to take those words back. because
this is an adjustment, and i am going through a culture shock and in
fact, i am becoming more used to it and feel more comfortable here and i am being to like it here! This is a wonderful place for those people that want to settle
down and start a family. I do like fort collins and recognize that my
stresses have nothing to do with Fort Collins but with my life right now
and other stresses. I hope this winter i can embrace the cold, instead
of complaining about it, and enjoy being here. I still feel extremely
lucky to have my job and be in this program. Right now tho, i feel as i
got hit by a truck... i think it is my body recognizing i can wind down
now. I do not think i have ever been so busy with such a fluctuating
schedule/ I think that is what made me soo tired is the non continuity
of my daily, weekly life. I loved all the field trips i went on this
semester but they were exhausting. i love my job but it took so much
patience and adjustment to my bosses emails and a position in which i am
not actually sure what i do besides being an assistant. thus, this as
well had no continuity, always last minute emails with a never ending
inbox. but the problem that i recognize was me separating work from my
life. it absorbed me because i enjoyed and looked up to the men i work
with. i felt i am learning so much and given a lot of information on the
field in protected areas. honestly in some ways i felt i had to give
back to them, to thank them for my summer course work and for taking me
on. I honestly felt at times i was working harder than i ever had in my
life, because i pushed myself through tasks at speeds that led to
mistakes but were done in an incredible timely fashion. i have to
recognize to slow down.
now i see that most my stress from this
semester came from work. ive talked about it much more than the school
work. I am happy that this next semester my hours are cut to eight a
week since i went over my hours this semester. i felt i was working a
ton more than 10 but that is because i became absorbed with work and
never relaxed like at my other jobs. when i worked 40 hours a week, i
could take my time, slowly go through my tasks, make to do lists, etc.
Sometimes i feel what i accomplish in 10 hours with this job i would in
40 at my job at the sanitary district or someone else i have worked, it
is all because i really admire the folks i work with and admire what
they are doing. in fact it hurts me when i mess up more than it should
or when i am feeling off and in a weird mood because i feel it reflects
badly on myself and any trust they have put in me. i have to keep
telling myself it is just a job and not my lifeline to a career.
School
was awesome, some classes were a bore and worthless and others i felt i
needed so many more hours in. i feel that our Leadership class was too
much fluff but it did have some worthy self assessments (very!) and it
made me read the seven habits which was very worthwhile. Our group work
sometimes drives me to an area between not wanting to cooperate and
wanting to be in charge and fluctuates often and every moment. it is
important for my growth in this field, in life, but it is horrible to
have to be forced into group work as often we are, although very
valuable.
I feel that i can not separate school and work from my
life here and i dislike that. A LOT. it is really hard to relax when you
spent a ton of time with you classmates to spend time with them on the
weekends as well. And I feel tired of my bosses as well, i imagine that
is normal when someone places folks on a pedestal only to recognize
everyone is human. i hope that i learn to separate my life here more. It
was so comforting to be in new york and have leah and heather and
lauren here to make me feel real again and remember who i am and not
just the person my cohort or bosses see. I like having Lalo and Michele
as friends, they bring me away from this life of stress and pettyness
and sterility and into a different zone completely. I hate to say it but
I think everyone feels the same in our cohort, we are all tired of
spending so much time with each other. The same conversations come out,
the same complaints and i do not like who i am when i am that way. So
then we decide to drink and then even stupider comments come out. I
wish we would mix up the booze with something else because i am tired of
drinking and nights out. at my age i feel i am not the partier that i
want to be, but a wash out claiming to want more adventure when all i
want is some alone time. I guess that is why i am home tonight instead
of at avos with some of my favorite people in my cohort. I reached my
limit with socializing and stress and am shutting down. i am so happy i
have tomorrow to do nothing as well. i maybe bored, but i feel i Need
it. i have recognize my instability this last month, perhaps the
transition into winter, but i felt different, not myself, and i feel i
only can gain that back with leaving fort collins or restarting my brain
with meditation, yoga and trying to balance myself.
my body feels sick, like i said, like i was hit.
last
week my legs hurt. it reminded me of that time in paraguay when my legs
hurt soo much when i had an unknown virus, it was not that bad.
hopefully this sickness is contributing to my mood, and perhaps for a
while now my body has been on overdrive and thus has been pushing back
the sickness until now.i feel like doing nothing. i feel like not
feeling, hence the stupid netflix movies, the duller the better. no
comedy, no drama, no romance, just action. interestingly i did watch a
sad movie, normally i hate those but it seemed almost cathartic. i
turned it off once but then put it on again. why now do i want to watch
a sad movie?
Its been a long four and a half months. it feels a
lot longer than it was, and i felt i grew a lot, gratefully, i would not
change anything. but now i am at a loss. Graduate school is not
necessarily healthy for my body nor soul but it is a commitment in which
i am taking for my long term goals and growth. it is similar to
paraguay that way. i never wanted to have a simple easy life right now
but one in which i learned and grew. i have a feeling that part of me
will want to change soon. the searching i hope does not come to an end
but slows down every once in a while for a lasting stability and warmth
of a peaceful existence. I guess that is when i will think of love, and
settling down. Hache made a good point, she says i am contributing to my
instability and ideas of not wanting to settled down in very harsh ways
and that i need to be careful about men i pick right now. i feel that i
am this way because there was no time for me to settle down. i moved
here on August 1 and started work more than 40 hours a week on August 3,
then i started school. at this point i am at a loss to find things that
make this feel like home. Yoga class, soccer, art folks.. seem like a
hazy cloud in which i will not be able to reach. its too late, with four
months to go here it seems like such a small amount of time. and then
off again to latin america. where i think ill be happier, but who knows.
i loved san cristobal when i was there last, so long ago, after the
heat of Palenque and Belize, Maudi and i were so happy to land there.
Some part of me wants to feel more settled there than here. i love
people from different cultures, truly different than mine. i hopefully
will find that. Hopefully i will embrace my cohort at times and leave it
behind for the time i need to be by myself.
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